Love letter 1

To the boy that I thought I would spend forever with,

We had a long time together. There were lots of things that we did wrong and struggled to fight through, but we did lots of things that I remember fondly. I still have respect for you and only want you to achieve happiness. I hope that is something that you are also working towards.

We were too stubborn together. We fought too things that didn't matter and still don't. To be honest there are only a few fights that I remember and that's because they hurt my soul to the core. I still carry those words with me and struggle to fight through what was said when I feel close to someone again. I hope that you were able to forget easier but I am going to make it past this wall too.

It drove me crazy that you were so materialistic and money chasing. That sounds like a weird thing in this era to say. Everyone is constantly chasing money. I just have never been that way. I have always been more family oriented. I wanted us to spend all the time together. I wanted us to do family things. I wanted there to be family dinners, family vacations, Sunday dinners with our parents, and everything that centered around us being committed to each other.

I'm sure it drove you crazy just the same that I wasn't interested in making as much money as I could or pushing myself further to bring home extra cash from overtime. I'm sure it drove you even crazier when I lost my job and felt lost without my work family, uninterested in finding another one immediately. I remember how mad you were when I said I wanted to write and do something I have a passion for. "You'll never make enough money that way, you need something real."

I constantly remember being torn on who I was supposed to be. You told me the girls that you thought were the prettiest. I never knew if I was supposed to be like them so you would like me better but I was the one in the relationship with you. They were never people that weren't attainable. They were friends of yours that you talked to often. 

This is going to sound like I am crazy and I probably am. I was so anxious to go anywhere in public with you. You wanted me to be by your side but to not show any affection towards you while in the company of others. You only wanted polite affections, slight kiss on the cheek if there weren't too many people, occasionally hold hands, basic things.

It wasn't always that way but it was there and slowly crept out. I remember when I was pregnant and you told me when I started showing that I wasn't allowed to be seen with you. That is the exact moment that all my confidence shattered. I don't remember your reasoning and I'm positive I agreed with them but I remember how bad it hurt. 

I remember waiting for you to come home at night and knowing that you didn't want to be there. Just knowing that I was the reason that you wouldn't walk through that door until midnight so I would be asleep and getting up at 6 to go back to work. I mean at first I was always scared that you were hurt but when it became a habit it just clicked in my head. I didn't have to ask to know.

That one night when we were in bed and you asked me why I hadn't asked you who you had sex with. I was so caught of guard. I didn't know what to say other than ask. When you told me details about it, feeling my heart stop, I couldn't help but wonder if you intentionally were trying to hurt me or if it was hurting you so bad that you had to let it out. 

It is always a double sided sword when it comes to love. I would hang out with my guy friends to cause a reaction from you. I would talk to guys that made me feel beautiful and accepted. I knew what they wanted but I wanted to feel important enough to feed them lies and keep their attention. Its weird pretending what someone says is said by someone else but I carried on none the less. I helped pull the strings of this relationship loose too.

I was always the angry one that walked away from the arguments so I wouldn't have to fight for my side. You hate that I would always leave right in the middle of the fight to clear my head. I would just take off walking, drive for a few hours, or sit silently in another room away from you. I didn't feel the need to ever tell you where I was going. I just went.

I hid things from you because I knew you wouldn't like them even when I did. I would just keep it to myself and never say anything and ignore you when you asked. I played it off like I was exactly who you wanted me to be even when we both knew I was far from it. It was like I locked a whole secret person away from you.

I know that you were concerned about everything and I am the opposite. Yes, i get concerned but I also always believe that things are going to work out the way they are supposed to. Things are always going to tumble and fall how they will whether or not you work your hardest or you focus on your well being. The scariest is when these two collide and you feel like you have to make a choice between them.

Then we were just constantly mad. All the time. I was mad that you didn't believe in me and push me to do something that I loved and only cared about getting money. You were mad that I wasn't practical. I always lived with my head in the clouds and you always had your feet planted firmly on the ground. They never meet and when they do everything is dense and obscure. That is how it felt it all felt in the last few years.

That night when everything changed. It was the biggest fight we had ever had. It was late and I can't remember how it even got started. The way we screamed at each other, our faces red with anger will stay with me forever. I asked if you still loved me and you just stared at me. I knew in your eyes that there was nothing. Then I asked if you loved me when I got pregnant and you just shook your head. 

It was like you were disappointed with yourself at that point. The sadness that was on your face made you look defeated. I knew that was the moment I had to leave. There was nothing left for me to fight for even though I had held out hope that things could change for the better. I wanted it to change.

I left and left without thinking. I walked out the door with some of my stuff the next day. I had my sister help me pack up my clothes and the babies clothes. Everything I had gotten for the house, I left. In hind-sight I should had grabbed my favorite blanket. I miss it to this day. 

We carried on out lives separate and you soon got in a new relationship. You were head over heels with her and I recognized her in a weird way that I have only told a few people about and I don't plan on telling anyone else. You texted me in the middle of the night and asked me what I thought about the ring you got her because you were going to propose. It was odd since we had limited interactions. 

I told you congrats and that it was a nice ring. It was another split moment in my life where I was glad that you felt you were able to still talk to me with confidence but the other half of me was jealous because the only time that we had ever talked about marriage was when you presented it as an ultimatum between something we needed and a ring. Of course we went with what was practical. 

After a few month, you texted me and asked me if I could come over; you needed to talk with me. I agreed and you told me that you all broke up and you needed someone. I  kept telling you that you would regret it the next day if we went there. That didn't phase you and if you haven't noticed, you are my Achilles heel. When I see you hurt I want to help, even when it hurts me.

This "relationship" happened for the next several months. You would call me late at night, I would tell you that it's not helping you and after sometime, you were able to pass your loneliness to me. I carried an empty heart not knowing what I needed to fix me. You began talks of trying to mend what we broke in our relationship and gave me hope. Hope of a future that I saw from the beginning.

And just like it started, out of the blue, you stopped talking to me. I didn't exist anymore, I wasn't part of the new plan. I was kept in the darkness in which I came all those nights you needed someone. You were beginning a new life and hadn't told me. I felt crushed and defeated.

Achilles or not, I vowed that I would never walk back in when you needed someone. Surprisingly, you never called, messaged or asked for me. You began this life and moved forward without ever looking back. I knew that was the death of us and mourned who we used to be.

I was consumed with the words that you had said in passing that meant nothing in the moment. The people won't be able to love you, you had a baby. You are used and nobody wants to have that in their life. You gained too much weight and I was the only one who could love you. You are too much for anyone to handle, you're just too hard to love. You're gonna be too old and unattractive to be loved anymore.

I hear certain things and instantly push anyone who is trying to get close, away. I know that they were just words. I know that when they were said you probably didn't mean them but I constantly have this tugging in the back of my mind that tells me that they will hurt me like, I was hurt with you. I know one day I will be able to climb over the wall that was built but that day hasn't come yet.

I supposed that the rose color glasses were my favorite ones to wear. I just wanted it to be as beautiful when the glasses came off. 

Instead, I can rely on things that I learned from you. I remember that you pushed it in my head to work first and play later. Whereas I still don't like getting all my work and chores done first, it has buried deep inside my mind where it lay as a reminder that things will always be sweeter when you are ready for them. I just want to say thank you for planting that seed because it has changed the way my mind works. 

You also taught me that there are a lot of beautiful things that I was missing in the world. I loved reading about animals and learning about them but seeing them and experiencing them was a whole different lesson. I don't have of a resistance to walking into a pen or stall with animals because I understand them a little better. I miss this part of the life we had the most; Being able to wake up and go outside to see the new babies or go and "talk" with some of my favorites. 

Going and doing Christmas light drive-thrus is something I still try to do every year. I always looked forward to that part of the year because we did it together every year. I didn't matter if we were fighting or not. We sat down whatever it was and went and look and walked enjoying the lights. I hope that I am able to carry this on until my last breath.

I will never forget the heartbreak and joy of taking care of the animals. It was exhausting, mentally and physically but it was the most satisfying thing. Creating bonds with the animals; You rely on them and they rely on you. I can think back to every heart break I had when we lost one and the joy when new ones were born. The heartbreaks hurt a little deeper and the happiness was a little sweeter.

I miss the family. I wasn't there for the passings and that hurts. I will never forget when you told me she had alzheimers and that she was forgetting people and who she was. I went to a horse show and she was there. She came right over to me and called me by my name, asked me how I was doing and told me she missed me. I cried for days and sometimes when I'm outside gardening or just sitting enjoying the wind, I swear I can feel her with me; Smiling down on me. I wish I told her how important she was to me and what an impact she had.

There are moments in my life where I think about how things would have changed just by one variable and how different it would be where I am at today. I like where I am and I want to continue evolving and understanding exactly who I am as me. 

I know there is more that is hidden deep inside from you that helps me grow a little everyday. Things that I don't realize that I am doing, small mannerisms, ways I pick things apart. I know that you helped create some of the person I am today. 

You are married now and I'm really happy for you. I honestly only wish you a lifetime of happiness. 

I'm really sorry for all the things that I did that hurt you and hope one day you accept my apology. All the times I wanted you to protect me and be beside me, the ways that you hurt me. I forgive you. I am growing everyday and one day I won't remember the things that hurt me. 

Thank you for being a part of my life. Genuinely. 

Previously..