Love Letter 3

 To the boy that I almost believed, 

You know, the way we met is strange. We talked and talked. I was extremely timid to meet you. Of course I finally agreed and we met up. We drove around, talking and learning more about each other. We sat in parking lots, laughed and made fun of each other. 

I told you going on drives was my favorite thing to do and that became a thing we did whenever we wanted to hang out. We would take turns driving and you always let me choose the music. You came to my city to visit so I wouldn't have to drive to you.

I knew that I liked you because you were relatable and funny. You made it easy to let myself relax and let go. You made me feel comfortable every time I was around you.  You were extremely sweet and caring when it came to me. It felt like you always went out of your way to watch over me.

We were making out like love sick teenagers, never seeming to get enough. You texted me my good mornings well before I woke up, my good nights...even when I would fall asleep first and you knew, and ask how my day was being my therapist for some days.

We were there revolving around each other. Picking each other up when we needed to. Encouraging each other when things got rough or when we needed a push. Crying with each other and having strong shoulders for one another.

We talked about family and goals so much you made me believe that you wanted to be there for them. You wanted to know the intimate details for what made me who I am and how I worked and I believed you understood. I never pushed away, welcoming it all.

I have never met someone so interested in me. When I say me, I mean all the harsh realities and quirky flaws. All the hobbies that entertain me. All the words that make me hurt deep within and cry. All the occasions that make laughter float from me like a breeze.

Then you stopped texting me one day. You just disappeared.

I tried talking to you and eventually gave up. Sending good mornings day and day again knowing it was annoying being spammed. So I stopped and went on with my life. I didn't know what I did wrong but I accepted that you were done talking to me.

Out of the blue you text me. You apologized that you had some things going on and nothing was wrong. I wanted to believe you but something just felt off. I guess the time we spent not talking allowed me to clear my mind and ease you out but to also go through every scenario that could possibly happen. I could think of one situation that would make you put off the disappearance as nothing.

I was guarded this time. I had it in my head that you would keep playing games with me. It made me difficult to talk to and upset you tremendously. I wasn't the same person you had originally began talking to. I decided to ease up and, surprise, you disappeared. Less hurt this time because I kept my heart close to me.

You sent me another message. Again. This time you had deleted my number and had to go through some loops to find me. That doesn't mean much to me. I am a pretty easy person to find. Though this time you told me that you deleted my number. That burned. Not as much as it should have though. Like I said I went through every scenario that you could of had and decided upon this one.

Getting you to say that was not what I was expecting. To be honest, I didn't expect you to lay it out there. 'The girl I was with went through my phone so I deleted your number'. I did, however, not expect you to say that you wanted to hang out again. 

I decided that I do enjoy hanging out with you. I made it clear that I wanted it to stay that way. But if you look back over our messages, and I doubt you could, I still was guarded. More so now. You wanted to hang out and I keep blaming my busy schedule. Just never enough time for us to hang out. I did get a good kick out of you calling me out for ghosting you for months. I said oh no, I just didn't see the message. I did see your message, I guess I wanted to know how bad you would push to talk to me. 

You have been persistent for 3 years now. Reaching out and asking me how life is going, giving me a place to vent again, asking me how my writings are going. Just in general a good person to talk to. I hope a can be that person too. I know I'm not though. I have my wall up still. 

Sometimes, I think that you don't notice anymore cause its been there for so long now. You still ask to hang out and I still tell you that I am busy. I know I can't stay busy forever and I do want to hang out cause talking to you was fun. There is just always this little whisper that tells me, sis not yet; just hold on a little longer.

One day we're gonna hang out like we used to. Laughing at each other and talking about all the new stuff happening.

Just keep holding on and eventually it's going to work out. 

I don't know if that is advice for you or for me but it seems to favor us both at the moment.