Love Letter 5

 To the boy who could had been my forever, 

I don't even know where to start with this. There are so many things that should had been said but never were. So much hurt that happened with mindlessness and rebellion at a young age.

I want to be honest and lay everything out so you can see what I felt and what was going on in my head. I know there really isn't a way to understand why I did the things that I did but maybe one day. I'm sure you have already forgiven me but I haven't forgiven myself just yet. 

We met as teenagers. I didn't even sign up for the class but was shoved in. You can imagine my nerves were everywhere. I was a freshman. I knew nobody in the class. I was alone and had to figure out what we were doing. Surprisingly the class was easy and I really took to it and understood it a bit. 

No, that's not where we met but that room is. 

I enjoyed it so much that I signed up for more classes. Of course none of my friends liked being in that class which was fine, just made it lonely. Eventually, we would be put into a class together. And in that class we ended up sitting next to one another.

I'm a timid person. Everyone knows this. You probably started the conversation by introducing yourself and being kind. As you know, we got along great. Always having good talks and laughing with one another.

Tall, slender, tan skin, long brown hair, and brown eyes. That is literally how I describe my perfect person. When I was younger and even to this day..mostly. (The slender shape is not something I necessarily prefer anymore. Shape doesn't matter much now) Just looking at you was like a little piece of heaven just for me.

You were also so kind to me. You went out of your way to help me, get papers for me, make sure I was ok each day. Things you didn't have to be. That only made the crush worse each and every day.

You are a year older than me though and that scared me. It was like he knows so much more than I do, he's lived longer and understands more. There is no way that this can work how I want it to. So I had to mentally put a blocker around any feelings that I had. It didn't always work but I did put effort behind it. Pursued others that didn't feel like I would get lost in. People that were safe.

This is where I want to disappear into a hole.

Naïve? No. Not this time. This time I get to say that I am just good ole dumb.

Do you remember the dance that was after school on homecoming games? I wish I didn't. I wish I had never gone to them. I...I just...they were never meant for me. I always walked away upset more times than I walked away tired from having a good time.

I remember you asking me if I was going to the dance and if I wanted to meet you there. I mean my heart fluttered when you asked if I was going.  Like my heart was beating so fast thinking that you had an interest in me. Then you wanted to know if I wanted to meet you there and it was that freefall moment you have when you're hit with that sudden bad news from left field. 

I said sure knowing that you only meant to meet up as friends. I just needed to keep reminding myself to keep the feelings bottled up and to myself. That was the best thing for everyone. That was the best thing for me.

As the week progressed, I happened to have someone else ask me to the dance as his date. It was pretty cool, I liked him and was very interested so I told him yes. I was excited because no one had ever asked me to a dance as their date. You already know that I told my best friend about it. 

She just about smacked me. She told me that you wouldn't ask if you weren't interested. I tried explaining that you only invited me to meet up with me and everything about it was very friendly. You know she didn't believe me.

The dance was held out in the back parking lot under a huge canopy. It was an experience in itself. 

That night I was standing there waiting for my date and I'll never forget the jeans and boots that you were wearing. You walked up and asked if I wanted to dance. My heart  dropped into my stomach because I had to tell you that I had a date. The look on your face when I told you shattered me. You walked away and I'm hoping you at least you enjoyed the rest of your night.

Back in the classes you ignored me and things were awkward to say the least. You were polite and acknowledged my presence and that was it from there on out. 

There was one day that I was sick and missed class and came back in the next day to find out that we had a project. The class was partnered up. To my surprise one other person had missed class the day before too and we got placed together.

He was the "bad guy" of class, if you will. I don't even remember what we were having to make but that it did involve power tools. I hadn't really used them before and felt like a fool. The guy was extremely nice and tried to make me as comfortable as he could.  He would talk to me as he worked with the tools. Telling me about his day and what classes he had and which ones were the hardest. Asking me about my day each time we worked together.

He would start each conversation asking if I wanted to use whatever tool we were using that day. I always said no that I was better at designing things and making plans for them. I caught you and your buddies staring several times like you were waiting for him to offend me or murder me even.

One day our instructor came up to me and told that I had to use the tools to get graded on the project or I would get a zero on the whole thing. I was so confused because it wasn't like he was walking around watching us do our projects. My partner leaned down to my ear and told me it was ok, that we would figure it out so I wouldn't get a zero. 

The rest of the project I was constantly watching over my shoulder. I was trying to make sure I wasn't blind sided again. I feel like this makes it sound like I refused to do any of the project but that is not true. It just made me wonder if and who I had upset to make them think I had some kind of unfair advantage.

My partner told me I would be doing all the hammering(and screwing if it needed it). I greedily agreed so I wouldn't feel like I was on pins and needles during class. I think you watched me more in that time than I can remember to acknowledge. I would always look around and catch you whenever I felt the uncomfortable burning gaze at my back.

After the project we went back to our seats next to each other. That was it. No more conversations. We never had another class together so basically I didn't see you anymore. 

I jumped into a relationship with the other guy that I went to the dance with. You were with the soccer player for a long time after that too. You all were the cutest couple and I won't lie. I was pretty jealous.

I wish I hadn't been scared. I wish I had made some kind of move. I wish I had danced with you. There are a lot of things I wish I had done differently. You know what they say though, We wouldn't be the people who we are today if things were different in the past.

Not that I was facebook stalking to see where you are in life but you look like you're living a good life now. You're married and have a precious baby. You're out there making the world a little better.

There is nothing left to say except I hope your life is bringing you unmeasurable amounts of happiness. That all I want for you.

 Maybe one day you'll see this.

I'll keep working on forgiving myself for running from what I wanted