Canyon memos 1

 I wanted to write this like one of my love letters in my series, but I have no idea what number you would be, and I don't want to put you in line. You can have your own series instead. I'm curious how long it will take for you to find this. Do you check my page every day? Once a week? Once a month? Will you ever see this?

I just want to say that I like when you smile and make jokes. I like when you glide your fingers over my skin. I like when you pull me in close. I like when my name rolls off your lips. I like when you're a smartass and sarcastic. I like that you message me good mornings. I like that you get a little jealous and admit it. I like that you look into my eyes. I like that you are encouraging. I like that you're curious about me. I like that you're here now. 

There are still so many things that I am trying to figure out about you. I think that we are similar, and it will take time, but I'd really like to read you like a book. Figure out who you are, what you think, how you feel. 

What can I do to make sure you know that I appreciate you? Make you feel special? You should probably know that I am a blunt person and typically need to be spoken to in a blunt way for me to fully comprehend the message. Tell me exactly what you want, and I can make it happen...probably.

I feel a pull with you, and it makes me nervous. I don't know what it is. I've felt pulls before but I've never experienced this one. Sometimes I wonder if you felt it. If you're in tune with yourself like that.

Do I make you nervous? Like anything about me? Maybe writing a post to you and knowing that it's explicitly for you. Or asking you questions directly like what I should do with my apps. Potentially even shutting you out when I get overwhelmed. Ah, I got it. It's how small my hands are compared to yours.

I wonder what we should call this new series. Maybe something like eunoia, appetence, curio. I don't know. Those don't feel right. I'll figure it out by the time I post this or hopefully by the time it goes out publicly. I'm sure something will come to me, and it will suit it.

I made a list of more questions to play too. I think what I'm going to do next is make a list of things that we can do and the next time our schedules line up we can just go and do.  It will give me something for my next letter to work through.

I had a dream last night. It was weird and I don't know...difficult. Put me on edge when I woke up. I write all my dreams down when they wake me up in the middle of the night. So, I wrote as much detail down about it that I could remember and emailed my friend when I woke up to translate. I was not expecting to hear the translation come back the way it did. I'm going to give you a little snippet of it.

-You feel like you aren't allowed to be hopeful at the chance to connect with someone. You're having a hard time accepting that the past isn't going to recreate itself and that you are safe. You've put yourself in a dark situation with how you've moved through life. Your inner child has been feeling unloved and uncared for. She wants love and happiness with a partner. You are actively working to fight your anxiety and tension. - 

It goes on and goes more in depth about the dream. But my subconscious really wanted to call me out. It feels weird sharing that with you. Hopefully that doesn't weird you out. I want to be able to share this kind of thing with you. I think it's funny that I am literally having a battle within myself, with myself. 

Also, I've been thinking. I still don't know your last name. I should get that eventually.