Love Letter 29

 To the boy that is a blackhole from my life,

Hi. I don't remember a whole lot about you. When I met you I was just clouded, miserable, and broken. There are small moments here and there of things that we did but I can guarantee that if you walked up to me today that I would not know who you are at all. 

I'm sorry for that. But to be fair the things that you did to me after we were over were awful. I've never been so scared for my life like I was during that time. 

I know what I did to you was terrible. I cheated with my ex. We all know it. There's no denying it and I even got a kid out of it. The karma that played out of that was well deserved. 

But that bit of karma saved my life. I changed everything about how I was living my life. Every single thing. I dropped friends if they weren't checking on me. I stopped everything that I was doing to damage my body and sobered up. I was looking towards the future because I didn't have an option to not be responsible.

You tried to talk to me but I knew I couldn't be pulled back into that lifestyle, so I ignored. I ignored and I ignored everything. 

Your messages stopped one day and it was a breath of fresh air. 

Soon though I started getting calls all through the middle of the night from numbers I didn't know. I was getting text after text. Unknown people telling me what a slut I was. Them telling me that they were going to find my address. People telling me they were going to rape me and make sure that I enjoyed every second and all the times after that too. People telling me they were going to come fuck me and then kill me. We won't talk about what they wanted to do to my dead body.

The came slow and within days my phone would not stop ringing. I was constantly getting messages. I would set up at night and just watch my phone constantly lit up. There was no sleep for me. I was scared to leave and go anywhere by myself. 

Who knew what could actually happen to me and I was pregnant. I had a baby to try and bring into the world by myself. The amount of fear I cared was astronomical. I not only had to worry about making sure the baby was brought into the world safely as I could make it and be taken care of, I also had to worry about if someone would sneak into my house or if someone would try and abduct me if I went out to even just go to the doctor. 

Your first thought is probably, why didn't you change your number? I did. My mom called the company and begged them to change my number and they told her they couldn't without a court document since it was harassment. I did eventually get it changed but it was after several months of never-ending calls and messages.

You left a lasting impact. You left me afraid to give anyone my number because what it they leak it again like you did. You left me afraid to be out in the open with people because what if someone has been watching me and are waiting for their chance. You see, YOU left me afraid that people always will have bad intentions.

You don't understand what I've been set up against to overcome. 

I'm working on it. I'm constantly trying to step out and push back against my fear but you did a real number on my mentality.