Quiddity

I made a page for you. Midnight oil comes from the phrase burn the midnight oil. We have created the habit of staying up late on the phone until you fall asleep.  It might change but I feel like it suits us.

I have a lot of stuff in my brain, so this is probably going to skew every direction. I'll go ahead and apologize in advance. 

When I came over the other night, you said a couple things really caught me off guard and sent my head spiraling. I'll start with the first thing.

You said since it had been a while you weren't sure how the night was going to go. I'm not sure what you meant by this. Like you expected the night to go bad? You thought you would have to pull me off of you? You weren't sure that you would still like me? You wouldn't get what you wanted?

I don't know what to say if you thought the night would go bad. That's something out of our control. No matter how much we try to control this situation, if it's meant to be it will be. 

If you thought that you would have to pull me off you, then let me drop a reminder for you. I fucked up the first time when I let myself miss you. I've acknowledged it and you've acknowledged it. I don't want to put that rift here. I'm not allowed to do that again. Obviously, I missed you, but I didn't let myself indulge in it.

I mean...if you thought that you wouldn't like me anymore, I can't control that either. You either do or you don't. Both are ok to say as long as you tell me which it is. Then I'll be able to respond honestly and take the correct action to follow.

I'm sorry that you feel like you don't get what you want if that is the case. I don't think there has been a time that I have come over and you didn't get it. Correct me if I am wrong but I'm pretty sure every time I have come over, we have partaken. Every single time. We both know that's the reason I'm invited over even though we'd never admit it. I know that I haven't succeeded every time but that's not the point we're looking at currently. We're looking at effort. 

I wish I had enough mind to ask what you meant when you said it. I wouldn't be here trying to piece together the scenario. I know you told me to tell you when I have conflicting thoughts but it's easier for me to write them out. Plus, this won't matter soon.

Next thing you said that caught me off guard was it being the best I had done. Which took me by surprise because I thought I had done way better before. This was just a quick, there's a phone, finish it thing. I wasn't trying to make you feel good.

I mean, I was into it because I did miss you, but I wasn't doing anything to blow your mind. I thought it was a little bland myself.

I guess that's a good thing for me to know. You prefer to just get it done with instead of a slow build. I can change it up and accommodate. 

This is why I like honest conversations. I can fix what isn't working for you. 

Back to not succeeding every time. 

I always just pushed this off as you being very tired and just not into it. I guess that can speak for my complex and ego thinking it wasn't me. That's on me with what I know now. That issue is fixed moving forward.

I know that you don't remember our conversations most of the time. There are many stories I've heard a few times. Or you're telling them to more than one girl so you can't keep it straight which of us you've told. But I'm not sure what kind of message you're trying to convey with the bachelor pad thing. 

You have brought up how much you enjoy having your bachelor pad, how great it is to live in and so forth. I'm not sure what the importance is to you. Are you trying to convince me to get one? That seems like a really weird thing to tell me. I guess that would be the way to try and get someone to think about it though. 

Do you think that I'm trying to have you get rid of it? I'm not sure why you think that I want you do to that. I mean even in the beginning before the relationship stuff was thrown out the window, I never wanted you to get rid of your stuff. 

I just wanted someone to share stuff with. The things that made me excited and scared. When I felt accomplished. Do trips together. Tell me I'm pretty. Eat food with. I know, it's a lot to ask for. 

Maybe you just genuinely enjoy living your life and you're trying to share it. So, hell yeah dude. I hope that is the case. I hope that you love everything that you do. I hope that it makes you unbelievably happy. You deserve that happy feeling. You deserve all the things that bring you happiness. 

Also, can we talk about something? You did a lot of small things that probably weren't a second thought to you, but they were very intimate to me. You laced your fingers with mine and held my hand. You kissed the tip of my nose. You pulled my hair away from my face. 

These things are so intimate to me because you typically don't do these things with everyone. I know some people do but I don't. Only with people I really care for. 

That kind of thing will make me fall in love. 

Who knows, maybe that's your plan. Make me fall in love so I'll leave quicker. 

I know that I said I was going to look for someone to date but I've updated the plan. I'm going go through the experiences and let myself feel whatever I feel. Then whenever I fall in love with you, I'll walk away. I'll grieve and begin looking afterwards so I can put all my energy into it. 

I assume that you'll be relieved fairly soonish. Within a few months. I know that you've mentioned that you have a hard time falling in love but that is not a thing we have in common. 

Obviously, I'll let you know when that happens so I don't disappear without a trace.

Unless you have other plans and we part ways before then. 

Man, I really wanted to text you this weekend and share things with you. Thought you would get a good laugh out of it. Maybe relate a little. I did something dumb related to a conversation we had recently. I'm still hurting from it.