The baby

I can't call you by your nicknames because people will know who I am talking to but I think that you will know. 

To be honest, I'm not sure how to start this letter. There's so much that we've experienced together. We've been through so much. 

I just want to start off by saying how proud I am of you. You make me so proud every single day. I don't say it like I should but you need to know. The person that you have grown into is wonderful, kind, smart, and admirable. 

You have learned to take care of yourself. You go after what scares you. You choose happiness. You are one of a kind. You inspire me each day.

Some of my favorite pictures are from us taking late evening drives. Chasing the sunset and eventually the moon. Windows down with our hair flying around crazy. Getting food and crane necking over police cars. Running towards mountains and climbing them, even though it about kills me. 

By the way, there are some new trails that I need to take you on. I think you would love the beauty that surrounds the mountains there. 

I know I haven't always been around the way that I should had been. You relied on me in a different way that most people never had to experience. We have a bittersweet connection. I was young and had no idea how to take care of kids. I hope that I had some kind of positive impact on your life.

You often talk about me taking you to the library and you tripping after we left the park. I have a hard time remembering exactly how the day was but you speak fondly of it before the accident. I think that my memory blocked it from the amount of fear that I had. 

When you fell and busted your face open, I just went into go mode. We had all the books from the library and we had walked from the house. I gathered the books and swooped you up. You struggled the whole time because you realized how far I had to carry you. The struggling made it so much harder by the way. 

You've always been tall and I remember how your legs were hitting mine as I walked. You were dripping blood and crying because I was wearing a white shirt. You were so scared to get blood in my shirt. I was pouring sweat trying to get you back so we could wash you off. I was so scared I was going to get in trouble because I let you get hurt. You're the baby, the prized child.

I remember you would always try and get me to play barbies with you, but I was too old for that. Sometimes I would sneak in and set up your barbie houses and organize everything so it was easier for you to play. You spent so many hours sitting there with the other kids and by yourself. 

You were such an easy kid to take care of. We always joke that I'm your mom and truthfully, I do feel like I have a special connection as a pseudo mom with you. 

I remember the time that I got kicked out. The whole situation was awful but do you remember?

At this point in time, we were connected at the hip. Everything that was done, was done together. You shared important things with me. We laid in bed and watched movies and tv. I drove you to school every morning, embarrassing you. We did your homework and we went shopping.

I got into a fight and she told me I had to go as she hit me across the face. You were hiding in your room and we didn't get to say a proper goodbye. We were essentially ripped from each other's lives. 

You texted me all the time absolutely desperate and in despair. It broke my heart listening to you ask me how I was surviving and being so hopeful that things were going to get better. Can I be honest for a second? I don't think I ever told you but I was breaking inside. I felt like I was missing a piece of my heart.

 I knew that I had to be optimistic for you even if I was hurting.

It did get better and things fell back into place. You continued growing up.

We had late night swims and grilled out. We threw parties and worked together to make others happy. We go over the top for holidays. We spend hours cuddled up and drink wine until I throw up from my allergy to it. 

You take my kid out to the park now. You share the things that we did with him. 

You are a marvelous person. I couldn't be prouder that I have this relationship with you.  

I love the random questions you send me. Some that I have to think about for hours and some that I have immediate replies for. 

I love the silent laugh that you have. 

I love the pieces of people that you carry with you because you love them.

I love the heart that you have.

I love you.