I woke up

 Today I woke up really missing my good morning sweetheart messages. I know that is a silly thing to do. I don't know why it took me this long to miss getting them. Maybe it's really hitting me that you're done talking to me. Maybe I have been missing you the whole time but I've thrown myself into work so I wouldn't have time to think about your absence. 

I am missing you hard today though.

I opened my tinder back up this week. I didn't make it far. I went to my messages to remove the notification icon but didn't read through them. I didn't go to swipe; I basically closed the app almost as quickly as I opened it. I'm not ready to go through reading profiles again.

However, opening the app reactivated my account and that means everyone who see my profile and reads it can add my snapchat since I have it linked in. So, I had some requests. I like sc but I am so bad about it. I will get a notification and almost immediately clear it. Then 2, 3, a week goes by before I remember to go and check it. 

I got asked out for 2 dates. One guy wants to go for coffee and talk. The other guy wants to meet and have a weekend getaway where we go and hang out, do fun things, watch movies and get dinner. The coffee guy lives near me but works in OH so our schedules clash but he has checked in with me every day and asked how my day has gone, told me about his day and we talk about work and all the things we are involved in. The other guy lives in ohio which is why he wants to do a weekend thing. We'd have to meet in the middle and get together. There are a few hours distance between the two of us. 

I'll be honest, I haven't made any attempt to move forward with these. I do like the coffee idea because it's morning and day light. He wants to be seen with me. I won't be hidden like I'm a secret. I think that would be a good for me. It feels like he sees enough value in me to want to be in public beside me.

The other one feels like I will get murdered. Like I'll go away for a weekend to have fun and then I'll never return home. It could be totally fine, I know. Just saying, this would be how I'd get murdered. Maybe my intrusive thoughts will send me anyway just to see how it goes. It could potentially be the best fun I've ever had in my life. 

I suppose I'll take my time with the guys. Move slow and see if they are truly interested in getting to know me. 

Damn, I really miss you.

I guess it's time to mourn this. 

I feel like I'm so overdramatic saying that. This was never the thing that I wanted but this turned into a deeper connection than I thought it would ever be. I shared so much of myself with you that no one else has gotten. I told you my wishes and desires. I told you what I like and don't. I gave you the vulnerability of me as a person.

To be fair, I'm not sure you remember any of it. It was always late-night conversations. You were always half asleep and tried your best to stay awake to listen to me. You would fall asleep to me telling you stories about how I became who I am. It was like my voice lulled you into a soft slumber that you wanted most nights. 

I miss you calling me. 

I miss you getting so excited telling me about work and seeing the passion for what you do.

I miss my morning messages.

I miss listening to you talk about pasta and how much you love it.

I miss hearing about your family and friends.

I miss you telling me about lore and how I'm crazy for the things I believe in.

I miss arguing with you.

I miss our stories.

I miss you sending me pictures.

I miss driving to your house.

I miss kissing you.

I miss running my hands through your hair.

I miss sitting on the couch with you. 

I miss you wrapping your arms around me. 

I miss telling you my goodnight spiel.

I miss you. You as a whole person with your flaws and your perfections.

The petty in me hopes you are miserably missing me too. Overall, I hope you are doing well. I hope you aren't working yourself to death. Most of all, I do hope that you are happy. 

I'll be ok. I'll get over missing you. 

I'm glad that we met and I was able to experience this connection. I know that I wanted something different than you but I'm glad I stuck it out until you found what you were looking for. I would absolutely do it again. 

Even though I feel pretty crumby about myself right now, I will cheer for you and always wish the best for you. 

P.S. I am a little mad that you did end up ghosting me even after you promised you wouldn't. I sent you two messages that you never replied to.