Alpas

 Here I am again. Feeling like I'm stuck in the same routine of life. 

New Year, Same patterns.

I know that it's only been 6 days into the year but I like to see progress quickly. That one of my biggest downfalls as a human. 

You remember me telling you about that boy that wanted to take me out for coffee? That didn't happen. I did get to meet the doggos and if I'm being realistic that was much better. However, I can't help but feel like I'm stuck being attracted to emotionally unavailable guys. He's not looking for a relationship ofcourse. Who didn't see that coming?

The problem with this is I never asked what he was looking for and just went with the flow of everything. We don't talk steady but I don't talk to anyone steady that doesn't show an interest in my life and what I am doing with it. Which means, I didn't put my feelings in a box. 

I don't know what I was thinking. I always ask so I know where to lie my intentions. I'm not going to give my all if there isn't any kind of future that we are both looking at. Why waste my energy when there is no effort being put forward? That just breaks me in the end because I am the one doing all the checking up on you, thinking of things that we can do together, having you on my mind, seeing things that I want to buy because it made me think of you, and just wanting to make you happy in general.

I am a quality time and acts of service lover. Spending my time on you is a huge thing for me. I don't go where I don't see time being valuable. 

I spent New Years with him and I had a lot of fun with that. We ran barefoot through the mud and I don't think I will forget about that. It is something that will stand out forever. It was out of the blue, completely random, and in a weird way...magical. It felt like I was a child again with wonder and hope. 

All good things don't come without bad things though. He lives a bit away from me so we meet in the middle and hang out. He lives on a beautiful farm and my car could never make it up his driveway. Now, I did not imbibe but he did. We met after midnight at our usual spot and he drove us back to his place. We hung out until the early hours of the morning and he began getting tired. 

So, he drove me back to town. Along the way he began crossing lines and I would have to state several times "babe" for him to correct his self. Side note, he has the cutest dimples and it just makes me swoon. He'd focus on the road again after he cheesed about me calling him babe and tell me how adorable I am, which I am if you didn't know. 

We get back to my car and he kisses me goodnight and I tell him I'm pulling a mom move on him and that he needs to text me when he gets back home safe. He agrees and tells me to do the same. I obliged and head home. 

He does indeed tell me when he gets home and I do the same. 

(Can I sidetrack for just a second and tell you how good it makes me feel when people ask me to let them know when I get home safe. Then when I get home and let them know, they actually had stayed awake to make sure I didn't have problems and tell me goodnight.)

Anyway, the next day he messages me and apologizes for earlier. I tell him it was my fault because I knew that he was tired, and I stayed until he had to kick me out to go to sleep. He finally tells me he did fall asleep and hit a rail or something. I don't remember what it was exactly because my heart dropped when he said he had an accident. 

The amount of guilt that I have right now is killing me. Like he could had been seriously hurt because I stayed when I knew he was tired. Imagine if it was worse. I can't deal with the thought.

I'm paying to have his truck fixed since it was my fault. Am I able to afford it? Absolutely not but it was 100% my fault. He's supposed to take it to the shop and have it quoted for me. I guess we'll find out how screwed I am when we get the numbers. 

Anywho, I feel bad. He's not actually interested...or maybe is but doesn't want that kind of commitment right now. I'm extra broke. I won't ever invite myself anywhere again. I'll have to be explicitly invited by whomever. Anndd I think I've got some kind of feelings for this guy. I'm not sure what they are yet but I'll explore them later. I don't want to think about it right now. 

In other news, I have a dinner date tonight. It just hit me today that he actually did a little research on me. He's taking me to the cheesecake factory. I've never been but I said that I have an extreme love for cheesecake. When he asked I was like ok that a weird place to go eat dinner for a first date but then today I was sitting here thinking my god, I love cheesecake so much. I wish I had some right now. Then it clicked. Holy shit, he's taking me to get cheesecake. 

I'll let you know how it goes. But there is cheesecake so expect a good story. 

I have other boy stories but I'll leave it at that for now. Maybe I'll catch you up on it all later.  

One day, you're gonna be reading about how some guy sweeps me off my feet and is smitten with me. Then there won't be other stories about boys. Fingers crossed.