Love Letter 49

 To the boy who made me feel vulnerable,

I want to be mad at you. I want to yell at you and tell you that you hurt me. But all I feel is sad. Not the sad that grabs you at the core and leaves you gasping for breath through the night. The sad that lingers and creeps in the darkest corners of your mind slowly taking more space than it deserves. 

I had a lot of fun with you. You brought the child in me forward looking at the world in a new amusement. Everything had a fresh new sense to it. Everything was an adventure and exciting. Thank you for giving me a glimpse of brighter colors.

I'm sorry that I had my head in other places when you knew what you wanted. You wanted a friendship, but I wanted more. I let my complex lead my thinking and when you stated that I was wrong, you ran away as fast as you could. I think that's what broke this. 

You probably think that I can't set my emotions on the side and continue a friendship. Ironically, setting my emotions to the side is one of the things I am best at.

You will hold a spot for a favorite memory for as long as I live. I will never forget running through the mud barefoot with you. Laughing for the moon of the new year. The stars watching us in the fields getting to know each other and explore. 

You cooking me dinner and playing games. Watching movies in bed and leaning into one another. Talking nonstop about everything in the world. 

I have to say I do miss my good mornings and I think I will for a little while longer. There really is nothing like starting your day knowing someone has thought of you already. 

I think I'm going to miss you the most. Bonding with someone on an emotional and intellectual level is one of the best feelings. You feel like they might actually know you more than anyone else. You relate on a level that most people never experience. 

I know that I'll never get the chance to learn all the things you said you would teach me and that's pretty sad for me. My thirst for knowledge won't be quenched and lessons are lost. There's a whole world out there that I will have to figure out for myself. 

I'll tell you a secret.

Part of my new year goals was to write a letter to someone every day for a year and I finally decided that I was going to do you. I have full intentions of giving it to you but I'm not sure I'll even have contact with you next year. 

These letters are to help me learn to deal with my emotions and share them with other people. I have a really hard time doing that, but I feel safe with you. Might end up reading them out loud and then burning the book after looking back at everything that I felt. Who knows what place I will be in next year.

You really made me feel safe about opening up more than I normally would. You saw parts of me I never let anyone get a chance of getting close to.

Thank you for giving me memories that I will hold on to close. 

Thank you for letting me be open.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you for being you.

I'm sorry for thinking there was more here.

I'm sorry I wasn't better.

I want you to remember that you really are handsome. I want you to carry that with you for the rest of your life. Don't let your mind convince you otherwise. You know I will always tell you the truth.

I hope that I brought some kindness or joy to your life that you won't forget.

I hope that the world gives you an abundance of what you seek.

I will always root for you.